I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
