I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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