I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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