FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
