anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
