Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
