There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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