I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
