My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
