I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
