Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
