I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
