I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
