I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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