You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
