i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Randomize