Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
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I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.