I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
