I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
