Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
