I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
