just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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