i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
