i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
