before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
