I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
