It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
