The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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