The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
