Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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