nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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