I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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