people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
