I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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