Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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