Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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