Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
