the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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