I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
