he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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