he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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