the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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