Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
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she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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