My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
