You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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