woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
