So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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