Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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