I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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