You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
