Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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