piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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