grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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