I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
