I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
