As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
